Jill’s Story: Filling Up the Hole

A young woman name Jill stuck her head through the clinic doorway.  Instantly, I thought: Lady, what big, brown eyes you have.  It wasn’t just the size of her eyes that struck me; it was also their intensity.  Those dark brown, doe-like eyes darted about taking in the details of the space and me, as if to check out whether she fit here or not.  Would it be a safe place for her?

Like many women from challenging childhoods, Jill had seen therapists off and on concerning depression and anxiety for quite a while.  After initially getting acquainted, she turned the conversation. “I’ve been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.  I had a pretty miserable childhood.  I was never quite perfect enough for my parents, whose parenting skills were limited to lots of criticism and hours of my being sent to my room alone.”   

I was impressed with the results of the work Jill had found in therapy.  It had not been an easy journey.  Yet, with the support of her therapist, she mostly lives a good life with a loving husband and several precious children.  It sounds as if she is a great mom!

Five years ago, her primary care physician started encouraging her to change her diet and lose weight.  She said that it was true that she had gained an additional five to ten pounds yearly. Three years later, her doctor informed her she was diabetic.  That diagnosis of diabetes spun her back to the cruelty and neglect of her childhood. The cycle of depression and anxiety kicked into gear once more.

“Suddenly, I am scared again!  My children are young.  My husband and I have plans!  And, there are so many things we still want and must do for each other and our children without having to deal with diabetes. I shared the diagnosis with my therapist and she referred me here to you.”  

Through lab work and analysis of her existing diet, Jill and I discovered that she had nutritional deficiencies that were resulting in her on-going feelings of fatigue and mental fogginess.  I reviewed how food and exercise contribute to her “feeling good“ daily.  These things seemed to motivate Jill to eat better and expand her exercise routine, which in turn meant Jill was thinking more clearly.

While I helped her feel better in the present by addressing her body’s needs, Jill and her therapist became aware that no one had ever taught her how to really care for her body. For example, Jill’s secret binge eating at night after everyone else in the home was asleep — although comforting to her in that moment — was one of her more dangerous behaviors.  She decided the bowl of chocolate ice cream and crunchy chips (her favorite late night fill up) had to change.  She tried numerous times unsuccessfully.

What we worked on together in this next phase was developing skills to eat in a way that resulted in her actually feeling better in the moment and the next day.  For example, rather than trying to stop the evening binge eating, we became determined to make the eating healthier.  In no time cottage cheese with pecans, scooped with corn chips became the nightly replacement.

Weeks later when Jill returned one evening to eating ice cream.  She could hardly function the next day.  Her body ached; her muscles stiffened; her head felt as if it were stuffed with cotton.  On the other side of that experience, the cottage cheese and pecan option seemed like self-care rather than a doctor allowing her permission to cheat.  Over time, with compassion and skill building, Jill made autonomous choices previously denied her in childhood.  She came up with her own ways of feeding herself that were helpful rather than harmful.  Her current choices became hers because of what her experiences taught her and how her body responded.

A year has passed since Jill first stood in my sun-filled doorway.  Her diabetes markers are vastly improved.  She understands diabetes and obesity are in part a result of an abused childhood.  Additionally, a poorly nourished body played an important part in her depression and anxiety cycle.  Her own self-inflicted coping methods, such as the binge eating, compounded an already poor situation. She now takes pride in how she cares for herself and her family, instilling the importance of honoring ourselves through the expression of our emotions, real food choices, and exercise.

Once in a while and as her body’s needs change, Jill and I check-in with each other, concerning her diet.  She and her therapist continue to explore her past and re-create a life-giving story for her.  These various threads of care come together now and support her, as Jill embraces totally the fullness of her days.  She thrives.

Washington’s state flower